Friday, June 6, 2008

Love Online: Emotions on the Internet

I found a short article that discusses the book Love Online: Emotions on the Internet by Aaron Ben-Ze'ev. The author, Lori Kendall criticizes Ben-Ze'ev's views of online relationships, especially those related to cybersex. In his book, Ben-Ze'ev discusses the use of online relationships to enhance offline romantic relationships. In the following quote he justifies having cybersex with strangers while in a committed relationship with an offline partner: "I believe that engaging in cybersex with the awareness of the offline partner is a revolutionary step in the search for greater romantic flexibility"
I couldn't disagree more with the idea that engaging in cybersex will improve a committed relationship, especially a marriage. As we have discussed over the last few weeks, people can become emotionally attached while engaging in online relationships. For some people, cybersex may be the only sex the are engaging in, so they may place a higher significance on the act. This leaves room for a very sticky situation. For the committed partner, having relations with someone other than their spouse or partner may cause them to have emotional ties that threaten their current relationship.
I have not read Ben-Ze'ev's book, and I'm not sure I want to, but I think he is unrealistic in his assessments about reconciling online and offline relationships. It may seem like a harmless fantasy to one person, but since there is another person on the other end, they may not have the same expectations of the relationship. Also, the person's partner may eventually feel threatened by the use of online relationships and cybersex to create "greater romantic flexibility".
I have two questions: Does anyone think having a cyber relationship outside of a committed relationship is healthy? If both partners develop online relationships with others, why stay in the current relationship?


http://ezproxy.lib.lehigh.edu/login?url=http://proquest.umi.com.ezproxy.lib.lehigh.edu/pqdweb?did=791690731&sid=3&Fmt=3&clientId=8243&RQT=309&VName=PQD

2 comments:

Xiaoli Zhao said...

Tami, I'm with you - I don't believe engaging in cybersex with strangers can improve a real life relationship. I can imagine people turning to cybersex to avoid problems they have in real life. But it cannot solve any problem, only creating more issues in the long term.

As I wrote my paper on metaphor's implications on relationships, I wonder what internet metaphor Ben-Ze'ev has adopted. Does he take the internet as a tool to introduce "flexibility" to relationships? Or as a place where one can practice fantasies safely? He certainly doesn't adopt the way of being metaphor in which one's online and offline behaviors are integrated.

DB said...

In response to your question, I think having a cybersex outside of a committed relationship can be healthy. I think that what I’ve read from John Suler’s article, “Gender-Switching in Cyberspace” many of the things he writes is applicable to cyber relationships. In one instance he states, “Some males may adopt a feminine identity to investigate male/female relationships. They may be testing out various ways of interacting with males in order to learn, first hand, what it's like being on the woman's side” (1). Why can’t the same be true from the standpoint of having a cyber relationship? I can see both males and females using cybersex as a testing ground or a way to gain insight or information that can then be applied to RL. One just needs to be careful that the mind doesn’t get too far from the body.